So, I was talking to a fellow a few weeks ago and he was boasting about his accomplishments at work. The next day I felt down, and it took a while to figure out why. I was comparing my work life to his, and in my mind, my accomplishments were coming up short. I felt “less than.” Envious of his successes.
Then the other day I was in conversation with a very intelligent lady who was talking about theology. Same story, the next day I felt a touch of sadness. I consider myself a Christian, but my Biblical knowledge was clearly inferior to hers. Again, I felt “less than.” Envious of her knowledge and of her faith.
I still struggle with trying to find my life’s purpose. Some assurance that the things I do to fill my days really matter. I seem to be spending a lot of energy comparing my life against the lives of other people I meet. I think about it, I fret about it, I write about it. Deep down I think I know that the purpose of life is simply to “be.” But that doesn’t seem enough. Just to “be” is such a low bar to success, like being awarded a medal in a race for simply showing up at the starting line. I live a good life, I think a kind, loving, caring, and creative life. These are things that matter to me, but is it really enough? How do you measure a life’s value? How do you gauge whether a life is successful or not? I know that just standing at the starting line is not enough, not worthy of a prize. But I also know that no matter how hard I try I will not come in first, second, or even third across the finish line. Why run at all?
I often make these comparisons; this standing of my own life alongside another to see if mine matches up.
I guess it is easier to see qualities in other people that I don’t recognize in myself. Perhaps lamenting what I see in my own life as lacking requires less energy than convincing the mind and body to do something about it. Standing lost in the forest takes less effort than hacking a trail through the kudzu and working your way out.
Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe “purpose” is like a rope and the things that matter in a life are all these different cords of the rope. If all the cords of the rope share the load together, it can hold the weight. But if some strands carry too much weight and some strands too little, the rope is weaker. Purpose, then, might better be defined as when the load on individual cords is evenly balanced so that the rope is at its strongest. When life is more evenly balanced.
My rope, my purpose, I know its strands. I’ve figured this much out; what matters to me. Love and kindness, family and friends, creativity, spirituality.
So perhaps the real measure of a life should be to look closely and see if it lives up to one's own values. Judging from my own life, it is clearly more balanced than it was a year ago. And I continue to get better. Comparing myself to others I'm finding is a pointless exercise, a race I cannot win. Honestly comparing myself to my past self is really what matters. That is at least a race I am willing to run.
