I have a tendency to wake up in the middle of the night, I mean wake up hard. It used to frustrate me, even anger me; but I’ve sort of found peace with it. Now I don’t fight it, I get up. Turn on the lights, and sit on the couch and read or write a bit. Most often I get sleepy and crawl back in bed and manage another hour or hour and a half of sleep and wake up feeling pretty good. When it happens I call this my “second sleep”. Some days not. I’ve learned to embrace it, rather than resist it. These are my early morning ramblings.
Yesterday late afternoon Catie and I participated in a “Siddhi for Enlightenment” meditation with a woman named O____ who had just returned from a retreat. We were invited by good friends, and I thought it would be an interesting experience. It was, though I can’t say that at the time I felt that I achieved a heightened sense of enlightenment. I will say that the experience was satisfying and pleasant.
Our guide explained four things that block our path to enlightenment.
Ego - this idea that everything is about “me.”
The Mind - this was a bit unclear, but I believe she was referring to the mind's “chatter” (or as the Buddhists call it “the monkey mind”).
Duality - the polarization of everything as “right and wrong”, “happy and sad”, “good for me or bad for me.”
Cravings - The desire for “things”, and the notion that acquisitions or ownership are the key to happiness.
Of all this I agree, and have already, over the course of these past few years, given it a great deal of thought.
Our planet is dissolving before our eyes because so many people still live with the mindset of “what’s in it for me,” or “how will it affect me.” Somehow we need to consider the collective impact of our actions to humanity, instead of our personal prosperity. What is good for us is not necessarily good for the world, but what is good for the world is undoubtedly good for us.
We still see the world through the foggy lens of a cluttered mind, so we often see unclearly. Our personal history can poison our view of what is happening at the present time. Our experiences, if left unexamined, can become a filter through which we interpret the world today. Unexamined, these thoughts manifest to preconceptions. If I was bitten by a dog, and did not examine and learn to understand from the experience (instead resolving myself never to think about it), every time I see a dog I may become frightened. One experience can cloud our vision of what is really right in front of us. Perhaps a dog that just wants to be petted.
Our world has become so polarized, more so in the last few years than I can ever remember. Everyone is right, nobody is wrong, so there is no middle ground. “I like you, I don’t like you,” these dualities, these generalizations, are more often based on limited superficial input, and don’t reflect the wisdom to question our own preconceptions.
And our desire for “stuff” to fix our lives, bigger cars, bigger houses, consumption for the sake of consumption. Turn on your television or scroll social media, we are pummeled with opportunities to improve our place in this world by acquiring more stuff. It doesn’t work. Reminds me of a line from a great Jimmy Buffet song -A Pirate Looks at Forty- “I made enough money to buy Miami but I pissed it away so fast.”
There is a belief in this Siddhi community that if they can cause 80,000 people to achieve enlightenment, it will change the world. I don’t know that I believe that number, to me it seems small, but I do believe that our connections with other human beings benefit (or harm) all those with whom we interact. We like to think of ourselves as independent, but in truth we are interdependent. We affect those with whom we interact, and that interaction can be in degrees positive or negative Though I may question the number, I don’t doubt the concept.
O____ told us that this state of enlightenment can be achieved by oneself, but very rarely. And that the path to enlightenment can be “fast tracked” into 28 days with the disciplined guidance of a Guru (teacher).
I ponder the reasons that this experience, though pleasant, was not profound. Perhaps it has to do with my starting point. If one is egotistical, succumbs to accepting life seen through the cloudy lens of a cluttered mind, is unwilling to consider a middle ground or alternate opinion, and is trying to achieve their own personal nirvana by consumption; then I suppose coming to this realization would be a bright light shining into a dark room. For me, 28 days of intense self-reflection? I had over a year and a half of self-reflection, soul searching, questioning the meaning of life, the purpose and value of my very existence; all thanks to the isolating lockdown of Covid and in the aftermath of Cindy’s tragic passing. There was no crash course. It was a year and a half. It was painful and intense. 28 days sounds like a vacation.
So, thanks to the unfortunate “opportunity” tragedy afforded, both communal and individual, I think I started this meditation yesterday afternoon from a slightly higher place. I’ve already dipped my feet into this cold water, so the shock had already passed.
What I discovered in that year and a half was that life isn’t about me, it is about everyone. It is about what is best, not just what is best for me. I’ve learned to clear (at least partially) the lens of my mind that is clouded with history through which in the past caused me to see unclearly. I find myself listening more than talking, and no longer see “good people or bad,” “right or wrong.” And I’ve given up on the notion that anything other than living in the present moment can bring me happiness.
So I guess this was a race I already started with an advantage, a gift that has already been partially unwrapped. Thus the race is not as tiring, the gift is not as surprising. But I woke up this morning after my second sleep feeling lighter, more at ease.
So perhaps enlightened is not something that I either am or am not. Perhaps it is less about me and more about how I contribute to the world in which I live. Perhaps it is not something I can own to bolster my intellectual portfolio. Maybe, finally, my mind is more clear of the filters of my past that have clouded my appreciation and understanding of the moment in front of me.
So I am thinking that there is still a way for me to go. Perhaps in the light of morning it was a more profound experience that I’d given credit. This was an experience I’m thankful for.
A journey, not a destination.
